Let’s get personal! *cracks knuckles* Keen observers of my blog may have noticed that I haven’t published a new post in a month, and have been quieter than usual on other channels as well.
Truth be told, that’s because my health, both physical and mental, has kind of taken a turn for the worse. Nothing dramatic, don’t worry – but my weeks are currently riddled with headaches, dizziness and overall debilitating fatigue, to a point where I keep on cancelling doctor’s appointments, because I can’t leave the house to get to them. All while trying to keep up with my two part-time jobs and the new uni semester that has just started. Spoilers – I’m not really doing a great job at any of them.
I fear all of this could be due to my liver not being able to cope with my meds; this would mean an annoying journey to wean off my SSRIs, at a point in time where I’d really need that extra push to keep my mental health intact – which, truth be told, is kind of in shambles because of this whole ordeal. Being bed-bound and too low on energy to really communicate much has left me feeling unproductive and isolated. The amount of times I stare at my phone only to see the “No notifications” tab glaring at me is probably unhealthy.
All of this is making me feel like a downward spiral. I am too ill to work, I’m undoubtedly doing a rotten job at work and uni, I feel bad about it and get terrified I might lose my job(s) and will also never finish my degree, so my anxiety and depression gets super bad, which in turn wants me to rely on meds a bit longer, which might be what causes my physical health to be this horrible to begin with. I just don’t know the way out right now, because everything seems important enough to take priority.
I also keep beating myself up for the fact that I’m 25 and still haven’t finished my degree (or am even anywhere close to finishing it) and just generally living a pretty stagnant life. I’m stuck in a rut.
Ultimately, I know I just need to start somewhere and slowly solve problem after problem (until the next one comes along, and then the next …) and I know I won’t fail, but at the moment everything just seems so unattainable. I’ll figure it out somehow, I’m sure.