Category Archives: Life

5 weeks to Christmas!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, or something! Christmas sweets have been in the shops for two months now, London has switched on its Christmas lights, some cities in NRW have opened their Christmas market and most others are following suit on Monday. 

Love Actually - 5 weeks to Christmas

It’s time to pretend we still get snow in winter instead of sleet that melts into grey slush within an hour, deck the halls with cheap-o plastic decoration and binge-drink mulled wine. Honestly, I’m so pumped!
Well, actually, if Christmas and I were Facebook official (do people still do that these days?), our status would be “it’s complicated”. I love, love, love the season, but the last couple of years it has been marked by depression – which always gets worse in autumn and winter, hellooo, seasonal depression – and some Christmas memories are hard to look back on. I’m not that good at letting go of things.

But fuck that noise, it’s Christmas time, and no depression, horrible weather or Grinches and Scrooges in my immediate surroundings are gonna get me down! Imma bust out my ukulele, dust off my festive cookie cutters, and, well, as mentioned above, throw around lots of tacky decoration and drink kiddy punch by the gallon!

I’m actually thinking about doing Vlogmas again, but I have no idea if I’ll go through with it. It’s a lot of work and destined to be very boring, as I’ve got even less going on in my life than last year and am much more of a recluse. Either way, here’s to five weeks of holiday fun!

in Life.

{health update} Yup, still not doing great.

I’m in the midst of realising that social media and mental health are so, so hard to balance, especially if you’re trying to grow a following (yeah, I know, numbers don’t matter, bla bla). You don’t wanna wallow in self-pity and exhibit defeatist ‘debby downer’ attitudes, but you also don’t want to be dishonest. Or silent. Because, growth. Consistency. Showing up.
I’m not good at any of those things.

Over the last couple of months, I’ve lost my job. Well, I shouldn’t say lost my job, my contract just wasn’t extended, which is a thing that happens sometimes. But I also wasn’t told in the nicest way (or time frame).
Which is bad, because my (former) boss is (was?) my favourite professor, that I’m meant to have classes with this semester (starting next week). And my ex-colleagues are lecturers – that I’m also meant to have classes with this semester. Cue me being paralysed at the thought of facing them. I’m embarrassed and ashamed. Add to that the fact that I’m 25, already in my sixth semester and wahahaaay behind in my studies (which there are plenty of reasons for, as I try to remind myself, but it’s no use), and I am seriously considering dropping my degree. Which would make it the next item in a long list of things I’ve wasted my time on and ended up dropping (a gap year. My first uni. My year abroad. This uni.)

I also don’t know how to get help (I’m currently barred from getting a therapist financed through health care for another year because I’ve “finished” therapy a year ago and am thus officially declared “healthy”) or who to talk to (my friends are aware and somewhat sympathetic, but they also have their own lives to worry about and check in less and less, can’t blame ’em, and I’m also absolutely brilliant in alienating them or involuntarily switching to a happy(-er) mask as soon as someone else is present). I have a lot of options rattling down in my head, but all of them get stuck in some sort of vicious circle where I can’t get help without money, but also can’t get money (i.e. a job) without having help.

There’s no uplifting or educational moral to this story. I’ve had bad experience with sharing my mental health struggles openly online in the past, but I’ve obviously not learnt my lesson, eh! I’d love to say that things may be shit right now, but I’m confident they’ll get better, if I only work hard and keep at it. But I can’t, because that’d be a lie.

A Lil’ Health Update

A Lil' Health Update on daneesaur.co.uk

Let’s get personal! *cracks knuckles* Keen observers of my blog may have noticed that I haven’t published a new post in a month, and have been quieter than usual on other channels as well.

Truth be told, that’s because my health, both physical and mental, has kind of taken a turn for the worse. Nothing dramatic, don’t worry – but my weeks are currently riddled with headaches, dizziness and overall debilitating fatigue, to a point where I keep on cancelling doctor’s appointments, because I can’t leave the house to get to them. All while trying to keep up with my two part-time jobs and the new uni semester that has just started. Spoilers – I’m not really doing a great job at any of them.

I fear all of this could be due to my liver not being able to cope with my meds; this would mean an annoying journey to wean off my SSRIs, at a point in time where I’d really need that extra push to keep my mental health intact – which, truth be told, is kind of in shambles because of this whole ordeal. Being bed-bound and too low on energy to really communicate much has left me feeling unproductive and isolated. The amount of times I stare at my phone only to see the “No notifications” tab glaring at me is probably unhealthy.

All of this is making me feel like a downward spiral. I am too ill to work, I’m undoubtedly doing a rotten job at work and uni, I feel bad about it and get terrified I might lose my job(s) and will also never finish my degree, so my anxiety and depression gets super bad, which in turn wants me to rely on meds a bit longer, which might be what causes my physical health to be this horrible to begin with. I just don’t know the way out right now, because everything seems important enough to take priority.

I also keep beating myself up for the fact that I’m 25 and still haven’t finished my degree (or am even anywhere close to finishing it) and just generally living a pretty stagnant life. I’m stuck in a rut.

Ultimately, I know I just need to start somewhere and slowly solve problem after problem (until the next one comes along, and then the next …) and I know I won’t fail, but at the moment everything just seems so unattainable. I’ll figure it out somehow, I’m sure.

Related Posts

7 Things That Suck About Having Ulcerative Colitis

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7 Reasons Having Ulcerative Colitis Sucks at daneesaur.co.ukI realised that I’ve written everywhere that I’m a #spoonieblogger, writing about my ulcerative colitis, yadda yadda, but I hadn’t actually gotten to that part yet. I mean, I’ve done (and will keep doing) videos on that topic, but my YouTube channel and this blog aren’t one and the same, even if I want them to complement each other.

ANYWAY. To watch the videos I’ve done in my IBD series, click here for a neat playlist. So far, I’ve done a general video on what it’s like living with my illness, an informational video about Inflammatory Bowel Disease, and my entry for 2015’s Project for Awesome, which was for Crohn’s and Colitis UK.

Now, if you’re not familiar with IBD and want to know what I’m talking about, go watch my video on that topic and come back here – but if you’re too lazy (or can’t watch right now):
IBD stands for Inflammatory Bowel Disease, an autoimmune disease that affects the digestive system. Oversimplified, the gut gets attacked by the immune system, resulting in painful sores/ulcers and a whole lot of problems that come with them (diarrhoea, malnutrition, weakness, fatigue, … ). There are two main types: Crohn’s Disease, which can affect the whole digestive tract, and Ulcerative Colitis, which is restricted to the colon.

Because I’m basically a whiny bitch, I am going to share a few things that annoy me in particular about my illness.

ONE. People don’t take you seriously.

Be it strangers who judge you when you use the elevator for one floor, not giving up the disabled seat on the bus, or using disabled public bathrooms – or your own friends and family. People do not understand. Especially relating to fatigue, I can’t count the amount of times people who know me well have made fun of me for struggling to get out of the house before noon, or have become angry if I don’t wake up and get out of bed on time despite being woken up several times.
Particularly with my family, who are all concerned with natural dietary supplements and alternative medicine (which, not to get me wrong, I think are a GREAT thing with which to support traditional medicine and treatment – I entirely rely on supplements to support my nutrition), they seem to not take my illness seriously. I feel like they think it’s my own fault that I “still have it” because I’m just not “taking the right things”.
Which is even more annoying and hurtful than the casual “but have you tried yoga” advice you sometimes get from people.

TWO. You never feel entirely safe going out

So you wanted to go on this outing with friends? Too bad, they want to go to this obscure park outside the city, you have no idea where the nearest bathroom is, and still feel completely awkward just walking into a café/restaurant to either strut straight towards the bathroom or ask awkwardly if you can use it without ordering anything.
Also anything with typically long bathroom queues – think concerts, conventions, festivals (oh god nothing but porta-potties?? THE HORROR), clubs – is a no go. Well, not a no go. Let’s say, it goes hand in hand with an awful lot of stress and hoping your body doesn’t choose to act up on this particular day.

THREE. Staying at hostels becomes so much more complicated

On a similar note, do you have any idea how much I would love to just crash at a cheap(ish) place with shared bathrooms, if it’s just for a night or so? Yeah well. I need to be able to verify that I have access to a bathroom at all times (i.e. it’s not shared with too many other people who can occupy it), and sleeping in a dorm that only uses a bathroom in the hallway gets very annoying very fast when you have to get up around 3 times per night.

FOUR. Dating.

There. I don’t think I need to elaborate too much on this, but how do you casually slip into conversation that you’re chronically ill and, on bad days, run to the toilet literally all the time? Isn’t made better by the fact that it can also be triggered/exacerbated by stress/nervousness. Guess what makes you nervous?. Could it be first dates, and dating in general, perhaps? Nothing makes a new friend/potential partner feel more appreciated than when you flee the scene every couple of minutes.

FIVE. The Pain.

This one feels so obvious that I almost didn’t want to include it, but it’s what defines my daily experience. Stomach cramps, mouth ulcers, aching joints, fatigue, headaches, skin rashes … you come to cherish the good days, because most of them aren’t. I can count the pain-free days of the month on one hand. Sometimes it’s just a low-level, dull pain, making me feel like my UC just wants to remind me that it’s still there, but my standards of a “Good Day” have definitely changed.

SIX. The Glum Outlook.

People with IBD are at a higher risk for developing colon cancer – and the symptoms for this cancer are exactly the same as for the illness that you already have. Congratulations, say hi to your new-found paranoia! On the other hand, having IBD includes having regular check-ups and colonoscopies done, so if there is any change in development, we should find out early on.
Another thing that scares me a bit is the possibility of surgery. I know a lot of people with IBD who actually have a stoma/ostomy bag (hi Katie *waves*), so it’s not like it’s the end of the world, but it’s still not something that I’m looking forward to (why would it be). It’s essentially a surgery to take out part of your colon, often resulting in a stoma with a bag that’s collecting your stool. Yep. A poop bag.

SEVEN. Always feeling like you’re just throwing a pity party for yourself.

A friend of mine has MS. She hardly ever talks about it. She goes about her life as usual, seems to have absolute control over her studies and work, gets up early in the morning, is active and productive – if she is in pain, I wouldn’t know. There was actually a time where I was talking to another friend about using the elevator, and I went “Psh, I’m chronically ill, I’m allowed to be lazy”, and she replied “Dude, [Friend] has MS and still takes the stairs…”
And on Twitter I read about people whose chronic illnesses render their lives hardly livable (and still they do it – massive props to you), making me feel like the healthiest person on the planet by comparison. And then I sit there and wonder – should I just shut up?
I am incredible vocal about being ill – as I said, I’ve included it in my Twitter bio and my About Me on the blog (and wherever else I’m advertising my channels). Should I … just not? Am I just trying to cash in pity, because a lot of people have a lot more severe illnesses and you don’t hear a peep from them? Theoretically I know that we, in general, still need to work against the stigma placed upon people with disabilities or chronic illnesses, so I want to speak up and fight the fight – but where’s the balance between being vocal and letting my illness define me?

If you have a chronic illness yourself, maybe even ulcerative colitis or another IBD – I officially invite you to vent now! What sucks about it? Do you usually keep quiet because there’s “no need in whining”, or do you willingly share what’s going on behind the scenes?
What’s your approach? xx

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Friendship & Tokens

So there’s this friend of mine, right? My best friend. I talk about her a lot. So much, really, that I’m guessing an awful lot of people kind of assume we’re in a relationship with each other, which isn’t the case – but she’s my best friend.

Friendship & Tokens at daneesaur.co.ukThe other day when I checked out the ASOS marketplace, I stumbled upon a set of two wonderful necklaces – a silver moon and a golden sun. Now, Anna is a nugoth witchy babe who loves galaxy prints/themes silver jewellery, while I only wear gold stuff (but am also a sucker for all things spacey), so … this happened.

And then this happened.


I like the idea of having a token for our friendship. Ideally I’d love for us to wear them everyday, but given that it’s not the highest quality metal and fairly outfit-specific (given that they’re necklaces), I’m not sure that’ll happen.

But it’s nice to have something to very subtly remind each other of one another, without having one of those cheesy “best friends 4ever” broken hearts. (Who really wants a broken heart to symbolise a friendship or relationship anyway? To express you’re not “whole” unless you’re together? That sounds kind of … unhealthy.)

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Anna and I are the sun and moon, night and day, always there to brighten your life ;DDD … or something.

Do you and your friends have any friendship tokens?

in Life.